Men Do Cry
by RosewrappedinLace
Summary: A king does not wish to marry, so, he sets a unique quest for all the ladies of his kingdom. Just a little story I wrote for a class, my mom thought it was funny and I wanted other opinions so I decided to post it here.


Once in that undetermined time known as long ago in a kingdom I will simply call Far Away there was a king, as there so often was back in those times. One day after much thinking he decided that he did not wish to marry, and that he especially did not want to marry the woman his father chose for him. She was a beautiful woman but she could nag a dwarf into giving up his gold and jewels. After making the decision that there was no way in heaven or on earth that he was marrying that woman, or any woman if he had his way. He set himself to thinking of a way to get out of his obligation to marry and produce heirs. After many long weeks and quite a few contemplative bubble baths, inspiration struck. He finally knew, or he thought he did at the time, how to escape his fate. Calling his most trusted advisor and friend to him he details his plan to him. Thus the story is set into motion.

Feeling highly pleased by the number of nobles, and scullery maids (because no one can spread rumors quite like a scullery maid), present he looked about the throne room and grinned. Raising his hand for silence the king signaled for his advisor to go forth and deliver the kings most recent proclamation.

"His Royal Highness, the King has decried that he shall wed any woman of marriageable age who can," pausing he breathes deep, looks more than a little pained and finally, after a moment of silence manages to grit out," shall wed any woman who can make him... cry."

Silence filled the hall or all of three seconds before the ladies were off to plan with sisters and daughters. Just as quickly the scullery maids were telling the butler, who told the cook, who told the Gardner who told the goose boy, who told his sister, who told everyone she knew, and the word continued to spread from one person to another until it seemed that everyone in the kingdom had heard of the strange task the King had set before all of the unmarried women.

The first thing that came to mind of most was physical pain. That is an awful way to start off a marriage though, and that's without the added fact that attacking the king would get you killed on spot and, frankly, most woman want to be alive for their wedding. Despite knowing the task was near impossible not even an hour after the news spread from the castle, and woman were lining up with a desperate hope filling them all. Who doesn't want to be a queen? Imagine the food you could eat!

They tried everything; the language that those girls were banding about would have made Hades ears bleed. Everything from killing puppies to waxing the kings legs and nose (she wanted to wax everything but was thrown out when she asked the king to strip).For the first year these attempts were made by Nobel women from all around. However as time dragged on and the first year drew to a close more and more of those crazies, excuse me, ladies gave up leaving room for the common peasant girls to make their own attempts at the kings tears and heart.

Unfortunately for them, they weren't having any more luck than those who came before them. Not even a well-known enchantress, with a temper to beat a trolls and an unhealthy fondness for turning those that annoy her into beasts, could get him to twitch his eye. All began to feel as if there was no hope, and soon people began to despair, because if the king never married than he could have no heirs. Their kingdom would fall into ruin.

While all of this madness was happening in the palace the best carpenter in the royal city became ill and shortly thereafter passed away. His home and business were left to a former apprentice of his who lived in a small village, about two days ride out. Hearing of his former master's death and unexpected kindness the man packed up his wife and his daughter. As her father and mother finished unpacking the girl wandered out of her new home and felt the tension filling the city. Noticing another young woman about the same age as her entering a book shop,m she jogged off from her new home to question her. Entering the shop she spoted the young woman right away, decided it's now or never. So she taped the other girl on her shoulder. Jumping a bit in surprise the brunette that the carpenter's daughter had stalked into the shop gives a smile to the strange girl behind her.

"Is there something you need help with?" Having gathered her wits about her once more the brown haired girl realized that she had never seen the other before and she put two and two together. And she got four. "Ahhh. You must be the new carpenter's daughter, I'm Tanya."

"I'm Ashlyn. Why is everybody so tense?"

"For well over a year now women have been trying daily to make the king cry. Whoever can will get to marry him"

"Have you tried Tanya?"

"Why waste my time trying to do the impossible." As she says this she gets a bit of a blush and a lot of a disappointed look.

Grinning from ear to ear Ashlyn grabbed the other girl and drug her to the carpenters shop. Pulling her through the door Ashlyn looked about as if what was about to happen was the greatest of secrets.

"You like him. Don't you Tanya."

Blushing furiously the other girl simply nodded her head mutely while starting at the ground. Probably hoping it would swallow her whole.

"That's wonderful! All we have to do is make him cry and then he will be all yours."

"That's impossible. Men don't cry. And what makes you think he would wish to marry me?"

"His opinion doesn't matter! Besides your pretty enough. And that's not the point! Trust me, men do cry. Let me tell you a little secret..."

The next day Tanya was in line with dozens of other girls. Next to her, a wagon with an unfinished bookshelf, a few papers, and several tools. When, after what seemed like an eternity to Tanya, it was finally her turn. She stepped into the throne room with her wagon. Lifting his nose at the girl the king stared down at her with haughty eyes.

"And what shall your pathetic attempt at making me cry be?

Breathing deep she steels herself, "If milord I would have you assemble this bookshelf. I have all necessary tools and instructions for you to use."

He looked at her with suspicious eyes. After a moment he decided that he might as well humor the girl. He rose from his thrown, the picture of regal calm and nobility. He descended the steps slowly towards her, building the nerves up in the poor girls' stomach. Finally reaching the girl he began his attempt at assembling the shelf.

An hour later he has the sides and, what he sincerely hopes is, the bottom pieced together. He sat still for but a moment more. Then he began to pull at his hair in confusion while he cursed in frustration.

"Why is this so bloody hard! I can't seem to understand any of these instructions."

Walking over Tanya took a peek over the kings shoulder. She barley restrained herself from laughing aloud. "I think I can see the problem milord."

The King glared at her with all of his might he snapped out, "And what, pray tell, might that be."

Pulling the papers from his hands she looked at them for a moment. Then, with a look of mixed hesitance and mirth, she turned them towards him, "These are in Swedish your Highness. The English instructions are on the floor next to you."

Whipping his head around, he stares at the papers next to him before he looks from the shelf, than the other papers in the girls' hands, than back to the ones in his own. He blinks quietly, turns to his advisor and tells him to begin preparing the wedding before turning back to the shelf and putting it together all the while sobbing violently.

"Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture." - Rita Rudner

I just about died when I found that quote. I just had to make an Ikea reference, a couple Saturdays ago I go lost in one. I spent an hour wandering around before I found one of the little maps they have.


End file.
